Your face is a jimmy john
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
