about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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