There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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