I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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