best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
