He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
