Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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