also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
