im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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