My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
