what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
