I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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