if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
