I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
