onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
