dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
