somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
