There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
