just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
