I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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