dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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