Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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