It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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