I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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