Don't make out with my wife yet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
