I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
