I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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