this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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