I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
