yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
then he tried to convert me to islam
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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