A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your cock deserves a montage
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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