he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
