It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
