I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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