I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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