"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
