I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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