My girlfriend figured out who you are.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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