Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
