Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Congratulations! We have a period
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