i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
