my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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