I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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