Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
