Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
