i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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