Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
