remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
