oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I had your ass I would rule the world
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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