3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
